Melissa's revenge....

I keep saying that I have to make these things shorter but then my fingers just run away on me and I am buzzin before I sleep. You will be glad to hear that the cheap plonk is now gone! Only 3 litres of it which is prob way above what the doctor would say is normal consumption in a week..but I was helped this evening your honour!..
Anyhow I digress yet again.. Magnificent morning so I decided to get up have my stable brekkie and then head for a long walk on 90 mile beach before the weather got too hot and scalder me to 3rd degree burns from the second degree I received yesterday. Can anyone please explain how I can get burned in various parts of this magnificant anatomy in a very inconsistent way..for example. the left side of my neck.. the backs of my knees. the instep of my left foot and the right hand side of my nose??? All of this after plastering the factor 30 all over...
The reason I tell you this is that I decided to go walking on the deserted beach for 2 hours and took my top off. I was a virtual nudist apart from the fact that I had my shorts on and whats not been burned that often will def not get burned now. So I'm walking down the beach with my tee shirt wrapped around my head and neck and draping down my burnt right arm in order to preserve it from further scalding when I am passed by a shagging bus... yes a bus tearing along on the beach!!!!!! That cheap wine has a lot to answer for...!! I thought I was hallucinating and again blaming the cheap plonk. It was like a typical number 10 bus cause a second one passed within 5 mins of the first one and then none for the next two hours. I was away in a world of my own humming to my self wondering why the people onthe bus were staring at me but in hindsight I probably looked like a suspicious member of the Taliban out on secret manouvers on the beach miles from anywhere with a yasmak over my head and face and looked a sight with the pale mottled frecked skin with scald marks on various parts that got some of the passangers a tad concenred. So an hour and a half goes and Der sees nothing or no one else and is singing to himself with the wind howling and the waves crashing and this B***t*rd in a hi-ace van comes up behind me quickly and bips his horn and nearly shot me into a parallel universe. I could spot the driver laughing hyterically to himself in the wing mirroras he drove off at breakneck speed. I was not right for a long time after that.
Anyhow you are wondering who Melissa had her revenge??
I got back to the car still not over the shock of that bollo scaring the life outta me so I sat into to compose myself..I then set Melissa to bring me to Whangerei (pronounced Fangerei.. remmeber the last lesson WH =F) when  she instantly turned me off the main road I thought I should have been on and on to a gravel path! I was raging with her as it was now roasting and the the car was difficult to control in the stones and gravel and I seemed to be going through fields. It was also too narrow to turn around. To cool myself down I put down the windows cause I was damned if I was using the air conditioning with the way it was gobbling the fuel.  So imagine careering down a lane and it like ice and something hits my ear.( yes the burnt one!). I did a sort of a flick and felt something move.. then whack another thing on the other side in the passanger window..
All I can say is that I nearly lost my life.. I jammed on the breaks skidding with gravel flying and dust all over and threw the car opened and hopped outta the car as quickly as i could try to manouver on my flipflops which at this stage had got stuck under the pedals with the force of stopping... I tentatively peered into the car expecting to see a rat or some other vermin and yes thouse of you who are paying attention will probably know what it was ... a fecking grasshopper peering up at me from the back seat...now a big bloody thing.. I HATE them.. thats twice now they have nearly given me heart failure and snet me prematurely to a home for the bewildered. I think that Melissa and them are in cahoots with each other to make sure I dont return...
Loath though I am to say it tho, Melissa was correct as she got me back the highway in the shortest distance and time. She is also repsonsible for giving me palpitations for the rest ofthe day!..
Today was really about getting down back towards Auckland as quickly as possible casue there is a very big Island and I will not get a lot in next week if I have to meet a few people in Wellington.So the only other place I saw was Ahipora on the west of Northland and the official start point of 90 mile beach.. then it was down towards Auck to geth thru there before the weekend. I decided I was going to go to a place called Helensville to spend the night cause I liked the name... but it was not a good idea.. One place there but full so I am  now in a town called Orewa in accomodation called Marco Polo backpackers lodge. I met a brill couple called Richard and Marilyn who are farmers from Saskatchewan in Canada.. It was Dick helped me finish the wine!!
With all the doom and gloom here on the radio and papers I needed to get a laugh and it was provided by a newsreader called I think Niva Riti Yewi on Northlands Classic FM. After the news she was readin out the sports events and said and in Auck there will be the National Nipple Championship this weekend... I was agog and aghast re what this competition would entail and my mind was only working overtime. The trouble is that Nivi Riti has a really strong Kiwi accent and in addition is VERY nasely!! I had to wait for the 5 pm news to determine that the National NETBALL championships were on this weekend... Mul get your mind out of the gutter!!..